i'm usually not the jealous type.

but lately, i have been.
and it's not about boys and whatnot, because in that area i definitely am not the jealous type.
ANYWAYS.
i don't really know. but i'm jealous of this.. coterie at school. i'm pretty sure no one really knows who or what i'd be talking about besides alyssa, but yeah i'm jealous of them. they're all pretty, smart, funny etc. and then there's me.
i'm different.
i'm a loser.
people know me-sure. but, i don't know i just want to be pretty and smart but still different. am i being too hard on myself? i don't know. i'm just the girl not in colorguard, the girl who doesn't scream about balls flying over their head, and all that jazz. but i feel like i'm not good enough for anything anymore. i'm not good at anything. i'm cruising enjoying life right now and i'm proud of who i am.. but it's not just the individual traits i'm envious of. it's their group togetherness and friendship there is. alas, who knows whether it's real or not but they always look like they're having fun and they get away with whatever they want and when one is mad, they're all mad. i want to have a tight group of friends. of course there is the primary group whom we all can go to, but we never hang out all together. we're simply all together still friends because we grew up together and our parents are friends with eachother. but we rarely ever hang out. or at least i don't.
i want a best friend that isn't a guy.
i'm not tired of being one of the guys but a best friend would be nice. it's just, i don't know.

my thoughts are thrown all across the board and i'm not spelling anything correctly. it's a confusing point in life.

























on the bright side, lunar parade is tommorow?