shallow.

*disclaimer: NOT ABOUT THE PRESENT.

I did everything you wanted me to do. Why? I was so afraid of you leaving me. I ditched things at school, I didn't do schoolwork or anything.. Just so you wouldn't leave me. You didn't care. You never did. I know that now. You said yourself, you only date younger people to build yourself back up so you could date people your age or older. If that isn't fucking shallow and dirty, I don't know what is. I feel so stupid, now. Thinking you loved me. You didn't give a shit. You loved her all the while, the first time around. I picked you back up and made you feel like you were somebody. YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE NOTHING. I was foolish for thinking that maybe, maybe a year later you would change. It's either you're a good liar or I'm gullible. I believed you. I can't believe it. YOU USED ME TWICE. TWICE. I thought second chances were something for people that actually cared and repented for their mistakes. But no, not for me. SECOND CHANCES MEAN I GET TO BUILD YOUR FUCKING SELF ESTEEM UP SO YOU CAN WORK UP YOURSELF TO TALK TO THAT OTHER GIRL YOU LIKE. It's not even just one person this applies to. This applies to two. One of the two, I'm fine with. I know you're honestly sorry because you wouldn't still be coming back to me if you weren't. BUT YOU. THE OTHER ONE. Shallow ass bastard. You told me you cared. You told me you missed me. But within the same time, you told her you liked her. And you wanted to be her boyfriend. I fucking made your pride. I made you build up the courage to tell her. I hope you crash and burn. You tell people your life story and they feel bad? THEY DON'T KNOW THE OTHER SIDE. YOU FUCKING RUINED MY LIFE FOR A WHOLE DAMN YEAR. 365 DAYS. MORE THAN THAT, ACTUALLY. Ugh. Okay. Done with venting that first thing.

NOW. You. You bi-polar son of a bitch. At first you go off on me, saying it's MY fault someone wants to commit suicide? It's my fault your life sucks? It's my fault all these bad things are happening to you? Of course. Because it's my job in life to make you and others happy before myself. Apparently, you don't appreciate the balance I tried to create within my life.
"For all the good times and memories we've had, I think you deserve a proper good bye. To start out, I don't think you'll read this but that doesn't matter as long as I did it. Okay. this is 99.95% my fault. The one thing you could've done was say you were considering Michael as a boyfriend. Everything else was my bad. I want to thank you for all the good times, all the times you were there when no one else in the world was, and for trusting me. Just as a noet, I won't go bipolar on you after tihs. Mostly because you won't talk to me. I'm not sad, or happy. I just think it hasn't hit me yet. I really will miss you when you go to Rowland. But you're right. I'll find someone new. You were a great first person for me to like, and a great learning experience. I know you'll go far in your life and i know it will be good. It isn't your job to make others happy, it's theirs. But also, you can't just make yourself happy. There has to be a balance. I learend that from you. So as a closer, i know you really won't read this but thank you."

I don't know what to think after reading that. It's closure. Sure, it's losing one of my best friends. But how do you fix something unfixable?
































I know I said I love my life.
I do.
I just needed to vent some newly acquired information.



goodbye, blogger.