a frequent self doubt.

why do i keep wondering on who i am?
i always say i put up an image of me being a confident, loud, talkative, sociable, i don't care type of person. but...i don't know anymore.
is it an image or is it really who i am? lately i've been doubting myself lately. i don't know why. my heart aches right now, i'm not even sure of the reason for that either. partially because justine tackle hugged jessica while holding jaime T___T something inside jaime broke when she hit the floor after justine tackled jessica lam to the floor. i wanted to cry ;___; reason 1, HOLY SHIT i can't let my mom know something in jaime broke, specially cause someone else was playing with her. reason 2, i don't know there's just something i don't like about jessica lam. i don't know what. that's probably more of why i wanted to cry, cause jaime broke due to her appearance ]: that can't be why my heart is achinggg right now. it could be that i miss michael, but i always do. so that can't be it. idk, it could be a over reaction to one facebook quiz thing. i think it was like 'what are you hiding from people' or whatever. and it told me loneliness. it said "even though you're always in a group of many friends, you still feel lonely." which is true. i didn't and don't really fit in a group within my age. at first, my home was of course with the band geeks. but since their leader, king of the douchebags nathan, made them disown me, i didn't know where to go. of course alyssa, but she had camille and benjamin. then there's justine, but of course. the colorguard girls. i don't think any of them ever liked me, but i've never said anything about it. i fit in nowhere but everywhere at the same time. i could've hung out with virtually any group around campus, but i wouldn't have a personal connection with anyone like they did with eachother. i'm like. crying right now. idk why. it's possible that i have a case of pre menstrual syndrome, but that is not so because i'm not mood swinging. of course, i can't say i'm alone dating-wise because i have michael, who is perfect for me, or, well. to me. or both. so, that can't be it. i've always felt that i was set apart from everyone i know my age or grade. i've always had pride within myself knowing i'm unlike anyone else. but i guess the loneliness of being an individual sets in. i don't know where i belong. i'm not saying i don't have any friends, i have many. i'm not saying my best friends don't get me, but they all have their own groups they run with. i just noticed that i never do well in huge group situations and never have. i guess i didn't know myself as well as i thought i did. i always hang out with people one-on-one or with only 2 or 3 people. also, i'm not saying i'm not loud. i am. but i guess it's just a front for people to think so. i don't know why i feel so lonely when i know i have people around me that know love and understand [for the most part] me. it's odd. my heart still aches, i don't know what for though still! it bothers me. also, my father. ugh, my father. i love him really, i do. but all he does is pretty much just yell at me. usually for no reason. he won't let me go anywhere outside of our street anymore [except justines house obviously. i dont even know why.] i don't like being in my dad's house. the vibe is always negative. it makes me sad. my father and i have been through a lot of trouble together in our family, but i don't know anymore. it's so difficult to be around him without me getting yelled at for something that doesn't really matter. hmm. what else. well, i feel like i'm too clingy and attached to michael. he's different, i know that. but i can't help but to fear the future. i'm scared to be hurt again, i'm scared i might mess up. i'm scared to lose him. i'm so clingy, i hate it. but i don't know. if i wasn't would it seem like i don't care? i really do. i hate looking like a clingy girl that's desperate, but maybe that's what i really am. or seem like to him. he makes me really happy though, & he's the only boyfriend i've ever been proud to talk about to anyone, ESPECIALLY family. so... that's a good thing. but another bad feeling- i hate being the washed up, not as good version as other girls. it makes me feel small. especially to mikee briones. in no way am i jealous of her, but i hate people thinking im her or just a washed up version of her. 'i thought you were mikee, except she's taller, prettier & you're flat.' like dude. you could just say you thought i was her except i'm not. you don't need to point out the things i do not fulfill. i thought i was a strong person, but i don't know.
i don't know anymore.


i'm honestly curious and i really don't know the answer.
why do i feel so lonely when i have so many people around me?




that's all that is on my mind, july 4th, 2009.